#metoo in Therapy: Going Beyond Anger and Blame
By Susan Epstein, LCSW
Originally published on Medium: https://medium.com/@susan_11977/metoo-in-therapy-going-beyond-anger-and-blame-5e1cd947db6c
The #metoo movement has been making its way into my psychotherapy consulting room. My private practice is like a microcosm of what has been occurring across the country: women, inspired by the conversations across social media, are finding the courage to speak more and more about their experiences with sexual harassment, abuse and assault. The outpouring of grief and outrage are clear, even if most of my clients’ experiences are full of nuance. Working with these women to help them process their feelings, learn from their experiences and feel more empowered going forward is both challenging and illuminating and it reflects how far-reaching the impact of the #metoo movement currently is.
Many of my clients’ stories are from their younger years when they were steeped in insecurity about sex and love and the confusing intersection between the two. There are stories of workplace pressure from male (and female) colleagues or bosses to wear tighter clothes or accept flirtatious treatment, street harassment from strangers (or the lack thereof — why does she get the catcalls and I don’t?) and others that focus on hard-to-name boundary violations with romantic and sexual partners. There are also more egregious acts of violence and abuse, but for the most part, ambiguity and ambivalence pervade my clients’ experiences.
As important as it is to help my clients find their voices and tell their stories, something the #metoo movement is enabling effectively, it is just as important to help them move beyond feelings of being hurt or victimized so they can regain a sense of personal power and agency. It’s easy to get stuck in assigning blame; to truly heal and grow, whether as an individual or a society, we have to acknowledge that change is hard, that relationships are co-created and full of uncertainty and that changing role expectations put pressure on everyone to learn knew ways of being, new skills and attitudes.
Again and again, the discussions I have with these clients echo similar feelings of hurt, anger, loss and frustration. Somehow they are all surprised and not surprised that things are so un-evolved. It’s as if they are working through some collective grief that was set off by the election that continues day by day through the particulars of the various sexual harassment scandals: the society we live in, the one that was on the verge of electing a female president, rather than a bastion of freedom and equality, is hierarchical, violent and largely misogynistic. Sex, rather than an area in which people are free to express themselves in healthy and far-ranging ways, often plays out as a conflict of interests and power positions.
In keeping with traditional gender conditioning, my female clients are frequently left questioning themselves rather than naming the bad behavior of others: Do I go along to get along? Should I risk others’ displeasure or the label of being “too sensitive,” “a bad sport” or worse, “a bitch”? When clients report managing to find their voices, too often their “no’s” are ignored by men they like and respect, leaving them with the unhappy problem of understanding how a seemingly good man, even someone desirable as a romantic partner or praise-worthy as a boss, is capable of such despicable behavior. Sometimes years after the fact, my clients are still struggling with guilt, anger, hurt and shame, as well as regret that they didn’t handle situations more skillfully and assertively.
Many of these experiences leave my clients with the imprint of trauma. I see a range of effects: difficulty with intimate connections, diminished self-esteem, hard-to-resolve anger, the inability to form healthy relationships with men and, on the more intense end of the spectrum, traumatic damage to one’s nervous system in the form of symptoms of PTSD (hyper-vigilance, flashbacks, depression, insomnia).
Rather than sit on that stereotypical non-judgmental therapist’s fence, I use these discussions as teachable moments to offer a psycho-educational perspective that I believe is key: “It’s the patriarchy, ladies,” I find myself repeating again and again. These are times when providing knowledge and context seems the better part of therapy, where clarifying the difference between a shared social problem and a personal failing is a particularly important part of my job. I talk about the fact that our society, in spite of its emphasis on individuality and democracy, is very much a hierarchical society in which gender and race render some second class citizens. We talk about the internalized self-hatred that is perpetuated by unreachable beauty standards and the rough and tumble world of love and sex in the age of the internet. Through role playing and other approaches, women learn assertiveness and communication skills and gain insight into why they’ve been confused and intimidated all along.
It can be confusing to have some very empowered women modeled in our media and arts, when the reality at home is of mothers and grandmothers whose lives were (and are) steeped in traditional roles and oppression. Furthermore, too often the men in our society are socialized to be emotionally insensitive and are even more unskilled than women at expressing their needs constructively. Given how much has changed in the way we live these last several decades, more of us are operating without role models. We don’t always talk enough about how to help women stand up for themselves and accept the realities they are facing. We need to practice saying “no” and “yes” and “that makes me feel uncomfortable.” Easier said than done.
Promoting self-compassion, as well as compassion for the perpetrator (something that may be counter-intuitive) can help the healing process take place. It’s easy to mock talk of “safe spaces” or the questionably implemented HR seminar, but trying to clarify role expectations and help people navigate the tricky waters of how sexual beings should behave in the workplace together is a useful exercise if done well. Establishing new norms has to come from somewhere. Indeed learning to use “non-violent communication” strategies (i.e. speaking from your own experience, using “I” statements, reflective listening), strategies that are also the basis of creating therapeutic dynamics in couples and group therapy, goes a long way towards helping people co-create mutually respectful relationships.
I should also put a word in here for my male clients who bravely try to confront their own vulnerabilities, even when doing so goes against so much of their training. Simply asking for help of any kind may violate role expectations for men. I’ve been deeply moved by the efforts of my male patients to confront problems with anger, depression and insecurities of all sorts. I've also worked with men who themselves were victimized by sexual harassment, abuse and violence.
I think it’s problematic when our conversations about sexual harassment and violence linger over high profile actors and the assignment of blame, rather than grapple with the ambiguity and the complexities of what it means to change an entire culture. After more than 20 years as a therapist, I see people struggling with co-created situations amidst changing paradigms. Perhaps the healing of a society is not so different from the healing of an individual. Both require coming to terms with how vulnerable human beings are to being overwhelmed by forces and/or people more powerful than we are (at least in one way or another). If healing is ever to take place, we must let go of anger and blame, replace denial with acceptance and fear with hope. We are a resilient species, nonetheless, these are difficult things to talk about, to experience and certainly to do.
By Susan Epstein, LCSW
Originally published on Medium: https://medium.com/@susan_11977/metoo-in-therapy-going-beyond-anger-and-blame-5e1cd947db6c
The #metoo movement has been making its way into my psychotherapy consulting room. My private practice is like a microcosm of what has been occurring across the country: women, inspired by the conversations across social media, are finding the courage to speak more and more about their experiences with sexual harassment, abuse and assault. The outpouring of grief and outrage are clear, even if most of my clients’ experiences are full of nuance. Working with these women to help them process their feelings, learn from their experiences and feel more empowered going forward is both challenging and illuminating and it reflects how far-reaching the impact of the #metoo movement currently is.
Many of my clients’ stories are from their younger years when they were steeped in insecurity about sex and love and the confusing intersection between the two. There are stories of workplace pressure from male (and female) colleagues or bosses to wear tighter clothes or accept flirtatious treatment, street harassment from strangers (or the lack thereof — why does she get the catcalls and I don’t?) and others that focus on hard-to-name boundary violations with romantic and sexual partners. There are also more egregious acts of violence and abuse, but for the most part, ambiguity and ambivalence pervade my clients’ experiences.
As important as it is to help my clients find their voices and tell their stories, something the #metoo movement is enabling effectively, it is just as important to help them move beyond feelings of being hurt or victimized so they can regain a sense of personal power and agency. It’s easy to get stuck in assigning blame; to truly heal and grow, whether as an individual or a society, we have to acknowledge that change is hard, that relationships are co-created and full of uncertainty and that changing role expectations put pressure on everyone to learn knew ways of being, new skills and attitudes.
Again and again, the discussions I have with these clients echo similar feelings of hurt, anger, loss and frustration. Somehow they are all surprised and not surprised that things are so un-evolved. It’s as if they are working through some collective grief that was set off by the election that continues day by day through the particulars of the various sexual harassment scandals: the society we live in, the one that was on the verge of electing a female president, rather than a bastion of freedom and equality, is hierarchical, violent and largely misogynistic. Sex, rather than an area in which people are free to express themselves in healthy and far-ranging ways, often plays out as a conflict of interests and power positions.
In keeping with traditional gender conditioning, my female clients are frequently left questioning themselves rather than naming the bad behavior of others: Do I go along to get along? Should I risk others’ displeasure or the label of being “too sensitive,” “a bad sport” or worse, “a bitch”? When clients report managing to find their voices, too often their “no’s” are ignored by men they like and respect, leaving them with the unhappy problem of understanding how a seemingly good man, even someone desirable as a romantic partner or praise-worthy as a boss, is capable of such despicable behavior. Sometimes years after the fact, my clients are still struggling with guilt, anger, hurt and shame, as well as regret that they didn’t handle situations more skillfully and assertively.
Many of these experiences leave my clients with the imprint of trauma. I see a range of effects: difficulty with intimate connections, diminished self-esteem, hard-to-resolve anger, the inability to form healthy relationships with men and, on the more intense end of the spectrum, traumatic damage to one’s nervous system in the form of symptoms of PTSD (hyper-vigilance, flashbacks, depression, insomnia).
Rather than sit on that stereotypical non-judgmental therapist’s fence, I use these discussions as teachable moments to offer a psycho-educational perspective that I believe is key: “It’s the patriarchy, ladies,” I find myself repeating again and again. These are times when providing knowledge and context seems the better part of therapy, where clarifying the difference between a shared social problem and a personal failing is a particularly important part of my job. I talk about the fact that our society, in spite of its emphasis on individuality and democracy, is very much a hierarchical society in which gender and race render some second class citizens. We talk about the internalized self-hatred that is perpetuated by unreachable beauty standards and the rough and tumble world of love and sex in the age of the internet. Through role playing and other approaches, women learn assertiveness and communication skills and gain insight into why they’ve been confused and intimidated all along.
It can be confusing to have some very empowered women modeled in our media and arts, when the reality at home is of mothers and grandmothers whose lives were (and are) steeped in traditional roles and oppression. Furthermore, too often the men in our society are socialized to be emotionally insensitive and are even more unskilled than women at expressing their needs constructively. Given how much has changed in the way we live these last several decades, more of us are operating without role models. We don’t always talk enough about how to help women stand up for themselves and accept the realities they are facing. We need to practice saying “no” and “yes” and “that makes me feel uncomfortable.” Easier said than done.
Promoting self-compassion, as well as compassion for the perpetrator (something that may be counter-intuitive) can help the healing process take place. It’s easy to mock talk of “safe spaces” or the questionably implemented HR seminar, but trying to clarify role expectations and help people navigate the tricky waters of how sexual beings should behave in the workplace together is a useful exercise if done well. Establishing new norms has to come from somewhere. Indeed learning to use “non-violent communication” strategies (i.e. speaking from your own experience, using “I” statements, reflective listening), strategies that are also the basis of creating therapeutic dynamics in couples and group therapy, goes a long way towards helping people co-create mutually respectful relationships.
I should also put a word in here for my male clients who bravely try to confront their own vulnerabilities, even when doing so goes against so much of their training. Simply asking for help of any kind may violate role expectations for men. I’ve been deeply moved by the efforts of my male patients to confront problems with anger, depression and insecurities of all sorts. I've also worked with men who themselves were victimized by sexual harassment, abuse and violence.
I think it’s problematic when our conversations about sexual harassment and violence linger over high profile actors and the assignment of blame, rather than grapple with the ambiguity and the complexities of what it means to change an entire culture. After more than 20 years as a therapist, I see people struggling with co-created situations amidst changing paradigms. Perhaps the healing of a society is not so different from the healing of an individual. Both require coming to terms with how vulnerable human beings are to being overwhelmed by forces and/or people more powerful than we are (at least in one way or another). If healing is ever to take place, we must let go of anger and blame, replace denial with acceptance and fear with hope. We are a resilient species, nonetheless, these are difficult things to talk about, to experience and certainly to do.